Pablo Picasso, 1902-03.
When we say the first mutual hellos, one of last things on our minds are probably the final goodbyes.
Do you light up a match thinking about the crisp and charred stick it ends up being instead of the flame it produces?
Sometimes we don’t even get the luxury to bid each other farewell. It is sad, but as we break and heal, we realize that it is a part of life.
We all master the art of missing someone in our own unique ways. Sometimes our methods align with other people, and sometimes they don’t. Either way, or any possible way, it is okay, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone.
Perhaps you paint that person’s absence in your mind in the middle of the night when you can’t seem to fall asleep no matter what.
Maybe you catch yourself accidentally sketching the blurred silhouette of that person who is unfortunately fading out from your life.
On occasion, you carve out the hypothetical situations that could have convinced that someone to stay instead of his or her departure.
(In all honesty though, it is impossible to stop anyone from leaving if he / she has made up his / her mind, so my gentle advice and belief that I’ve followed through is that it is quite futile to beg someone to stick around. The most you get out of it is a temporary, illusory resuscitation before the ultimate death of your relationship. Then your soon-to-be ex partner labels you as crazy and needy when you try your best to fight for a lost cause. Perhaps you do get a little intense when you give it all in trying to salvage whatever that is left, and it’s easy to disregard that when you are suffocated with overwhelming feelings. It’s human. Long story short: it doesn’t work this way. Keep your self-respect, respect for others, pride, and dignity intact despite having everything else falling apart – you will thank yourself in hindsight.)
Regardless, there is some sort of pain in play and existence. It is agonizing at first. Even the most shallow breath seem to rotate and then shatter your entire world.
The seed of doubt grows and sprouts as you tear yourself apart while mastering the art of loss. What if I was wrong? What if I actually let go of the most important person in my life?
If that person were meant to play a part in your life, he / she will find his / her way back to you. Before that happens, treat him / her as simply a supporting character. Remind yourself that you deserve more than just a minor character – you want someone who is consistent and exerting effort, not a person who gives up the second when life in general gets difficult. We all tend to award too much importance and care to people we love, because of love. It is an admirable act, but we need to learn to correlate their words to their actions as well. If the two are not adding up, perhaps it’s time to let go.
It is prickly, painful, and uncomfortable. We place ourselves in limbo, swaying between staying and letting go while trapped in our thoughts and emotions.
We tend to forget the hurt with the aid of time, and we end up mainly thinking about the happy days. The moments when we wanted time to stop – even just for a split second, because of the joys and laughs they brought to us back then. Wouldn’t it be great to rewind for a bit?
Only the people who I have revealed my vulnerabilities to are the ones who (figuratively) possess the knives to lacerate my heart. I’ve made mistakes, perhaps one too many, that I wouldn’t change for the world. There they were, the good, bad, and everything in between with some of the people I’ve unfortunately bid farewell to. I burned bridges with some, and drifted away quietly with others. No matter which way, it was not without pain.
So here I write today, to commemorate the ones who have caused me pain, distress, and sorrow – in my past and present. I miss you at different instances and in various ways, yet perhaps you were never meant to stay.