Woman with Bangs.
Pablo Picasso, 1902.
Chances are, you are insignificantly significant.
What does that even mean?
There are 7.6 billion people in the world, and unless you are someone with fame (and by this, I really don’t mean the follower count one has on Instagram), there are less than a handful of people who are even aware of your existence. If you were to eliminate all the strangers and acquaintances who perhaps remember the glimpse of your physical appearance (if you are lucky), then there’s not many people left.
Not many people care about you.
The majority of the people you personally know are probably indifferent about you. They might compliment or flatter you in person, or when they somehow think about you once in a blue moon because of a relative anecdote, but trust me – they’re mainly lukewarm about you. Or even if they do care, it will never be that extent.
This could be strangely liberating if you think about it in a specific way.
All of the embarrassing, regrettable moments you’ve been through were inked so freshly into your memories, but the reality here is that for others, they’re as clear as a smudged pencil sketch in their heads. So in other words, not many people give a fuck about you and your unbearable memories that only you are ruminating on.
On the flip side, it could be so very lonely and isolating in another aspect.
All of your fears, insecurities, personal inadequacies, worries…anything that makes you sick in the stomach, and / or brings tears to your eyes, and / or keeps you awake at night. Those things. How many people actually give a damn? How many people can you name with absolute confidence? How many people can you knowingly call when it’s two or three in the morning when you break down? Take a long look at that thought, and see how many people you can truly list out.
Yeah, we’re not all that special. We’re not all that loved and cared about by most. A lot of the times we like to believe that we are not just a traveler in someone else’s lives, but that’s what we end up being the most.
It’s not that we refuse to stay or to get grounded at times. It’s just that there was not much reason to stay.
Even the greatest love stories – the ones you thought would never end…slowly reach their pinnacle and then their respective demises one day. They were absolutely beautiful in their own ways. They made your heart flutter, made you restless, made you look at your phone while smiling like a fool.
It also made you feel like you were invincible. Every. Damn. Time.
The main character remains, but the minor roles and the settings change. We really do secretly hope that this time will be the last time. Some of us are luckier than others and do get their happily ever after (in a realistic manner – that’s the key to how they last). Some of us bump and crash after years, realize that we don’t truly recognize the person we’ve been so in love with for all this time – some stay, and some leave.
Even the best of friends – the people you think about immediately when anything happens. The people you share your laughs and tears with the most. The friends you believe who will explore life with and grow together for decades may somehow just fade away.
It really does hurt, even when their change in actions foreshadowed the end of what was once so beautiful. I suppose we were just unwilling to accept and jump towards the harsh conclusion with immediacy. When the friendship reaches the point of no return, or past its expiration date, we can’t help but to shake our head and pat ourselves out of the state of regret and sorrow.
I’ve been left behind, and I’ve also left someone. It’s really no one’s fault in either scenario. At the minimum, I could tell myself that at least something happened. Perhaps, and already in hindsight, I can tell myself that that person was never truly worth the extra time, effort, mental energy, and tears. It certainly didn’t feel like it at the time.
The world doesn’t revolve around anyone, but we should all be able to pick our orbits.
I’m surrounded by people who have proved to me countless times that they’re refusing to let me depart from their lives, even at my worst states. I’ve gravitated back to pastimes that I seem to occasionally forget about. Recognize what these are in your life, and hold onto them – dearly and closely.
However, never make the rookie mistake of assuming that someone will stay, especially if you have treat him / her with unjust, dishonesty, and disrespect. I mean, I’ve done it, when I was young and stupid, so I’m definitely not pointing fingers here. Feelings do come to play and cloud our senses a lot of the times, which explains why sometimes people we know (and ourselves included) stay in situations way past their expiration dates.
Despite repeating that mantra like a one track record, I still break my own rules on occasion. There are instances where I linger far too long, hold on too tight, and just to see my own loss like gripping sand. However, with the aid of time, the minutes into hours into days into weeks and months, I’ve learned to let go – every single time.
I’m not quite kind towards people who have decided to leave and then suddenly come back, especially the ones who pretend that nothing has happened and that no time has elapsed. I’m not in particular rude to them, too, but just with an air of stiff manners and distance. Perhaps they feel like they’re missing out on something, but what I know is that it is definitely not me as a being. Maybe it’s the existence of loneliness, the absence of an emotional cheerleader, or how I manage to make someone feel. I’d say most of the time, it’s out of their own selfish intentions that I don’t harbor any bad blood over. We all get those pangs of emotions at times.
When some of them go too far, I’m not apologetic to point out their preposterous, and at times, pathetic presumptions that the world revolves around them, feelings do not change, and heartbreak do not heal.
Just because I was once vulnerable with someone doesn’t make it permanent.
I used to be afraid to state that. It was the constant badgering mentality of inadequacy as well as my personal insecurities that made me felt uncomfortable and hesitant to voice myself.
However, I’m learning, and exponentially so, how to come to terms with myself before pleasing others. If someone can walk away so easily from me, and then come back as he or she feels convenient, wouldn’t that be quite disrespectful to me? I understand that there are tough circumstances and situations that we each face, which makes it hard to keep up and catch up with others, I really do. I’m also too familiar with the fact that other people do not circulate around me, and that I’m not everyone’s priority.
I’m also not someone who someone can break, and then waltz back without explanation. I deserve better than that. I’m more than just a brief intermission in the midst of one’s loneliness.
A friend once said to me that I give, a little too much and readily to people I care about. I’m aware of that, nor can I change who I am. I’m content to provide to the ones I love. There’s too much benefit of the doubt for those I used to like or love who have left and returned.
So here’s to all, especially the person who tried to dig into my life three weeks ago (who I ended up telling to beat it, stop trying to contact me, and with a block. Oh, to great starts in 2018), the world doesn’t revolve around you. You know that, no one needs to teach you. Don’t try to weasel back into anyone’s life if you want to rekindle something that was once good. Maybe just try, even for once, to put in some actual effort.
I swear it’ll work, because people do give second chances (and sometimes, a little too easily, but what can I say – some of us are optimists) but until then, I’m glad we eventually all said goodbye.