I appreciate all of my rains despite the pains (unexpected rhymes) that ultimately result in the occasional, spectacular rainbows that I see.
In the midst of (perhaps) one of the loneliest days I feel out of the year (I’m trying to change my mentality and association, as I can’t keep living in fears of the past and I think this post serves as a wonderful beginning), I want to remember some facts about today:
- I woke up early and finally opened the card and gift that my dear friend gave me in person last Friday when I was in Hong Kong. I was blown away by her words and moved to tears, because well, I love cards but I love her more, and I’m very grateful to have met and reconnected with her.
- I received a gift via mail from someone who I haven’t been in contact with for months. It is something that I really do like a lot, and I was extremely surprised by that. I gave him a call but haven’t talked to him more in-depth to catch up yet. Unexpected gestures.
- One of my friends broke his leg the other day from running and texted “happy birthday” to me today. He is high on morphine right now post-surgery and he managed to remember along with giving me some sound advice, so I’m quite grateful for that.
- My friend in New York actually texted me 12:00 am my time to wish me happy birthday, and she also said I’ll be able to see her message when I wake up. It’s really sweet of her.
- A friend of mine coordinated her travel plans just to meet up with me on the day of my birthday. What did I do to find friends like these again?
There are also countless more, but I’m running out of time for now since I’m going to meet up with my friend soon. The point and positive note here is this: despite the past memories and experiences that have made me feel a certain way during my birthday, I’m surrounded by people who love and appreciate me and are not afraid to show it. I am utterly grateful and humbled for that.
Edit / 23:36 pm:
- Managed to talk on the phone with my friend who sent me a gift. He seems quite content especially with a new relationship, and he called me a good / close friend. He told me that he personally picked out the gifts for me for the past three years, and it’s quite endearing to hear that despite the lack of communication recently. I’ll try more now.
- Met up with my friend who came all the way just for me. I’m not ashamed to say that I actually encountered this beautiful human being through an online platform a little over a year ago. To be specific, through a mobile game, but I don’t care anymore. We were so delighted to see each other. I trust and love her, and I’ve already decided through my gut feeling that I could meet her a while ago, but we never got the chance as she was mainly in the United States in Florida, and we missed out on each other in Shanghai last week. Our conversation flowed and it was natural. It was so easy and clear that we care about each other, and that is really all that matters. We’ll see each other again tomorrow.
- Received countless private messages from people through different platforms throughout the day wishing me a happy birthday (one of the perks of social media, I suppose). To be fair, I closed down my Facebook wall a few years ago, because I care about consistency. I don’t want to just be an annual reminder, because it doesn’t matter.
- Reconciled with a friend that I care dearly about. Admitted to my mistakes and apologized to him and told him that I was mad at him partially because of my own insecurities and it was wrong for me to lash out on him, and asked him if he’s willing to continue on and grow with me. He said yes, and I’m extremely grateful.
- My brother ended up booking a sushi dinner for me (those train sushi places), and bought me cake, macarons, alcohol (champagne and whiskey!), as well as candies – mainly because the box has a dog, specifically, Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, printed on it, along with World Cup edition chocolate eggs (not sure if they are Kinder). We don’t express love verbally in my family, but this means a lot to me already.
Last but not least, the most important one…
I met the first person who made me feel safety and comfort in a romantic setting about a month ago. By that, I mean that I’ve been pretty much upfront / honest and more than just okay, but actually comfortable with expressing my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs to him with little to no reservations. I’ve pretty much have that locked down for my friendships, but never really for other aspects in life.
I actually met him not too long ago in person. It might be partially the whiskey, or the gin and tonic I’ve had, maybe – but I know that is an excuse, but I miss him. I believe that he’s a kind person, and my intuition / gut feeling has this trust for him.
Anyone who knows me personally will vouch for how much I tend to overthink and worry, but despite all that speculation and analysis that come mainly from my own head – my first reaction I have when I think of him and our interaction is a sense of calmness.
Maybe he’ll hurt me, maybe he won’t. I don’t know, but I really do enjoy this sense of tranquility. From him to me. I hope he feels the same way about me.
I’m writing this down because I want to remember this moment. It’s crucial. We tend to beat ourselves down a little too easily with our insecurities as we are our biggest critic, but today I want to start of 26 in a good way.
This seems like a good path to start.