Past & Present / The Dead Parts of Me.


Still Life with Bouquet and Skull

Adriaen van Utrecht, 1642.

I’ve talked and written about death maybe more than a handful of times. It’s a sensitive topic to talk about, as it fills the atmosphere up with a thin veil of morbidity, despair, and an acute awareness of how we’re all ticking down.

However, I’ve managed to neglect an odd, obscure aspect of death: commemoration.

I’ve stripped, torn, broken, as well as completely transformed parts of me throughout the last twenty-six years and a few days that I’ve been alive so far. Some of them are met with absolute resistance. Some of them occur as naturally as sunrises and sunsets.

I’m here to celebrate the facets that I’ve gotten rid of and / or polished throughout all this time.

I’m slowly accepting death and dead ends instead of endless, futile resurrection and breaking down walls that weren’t meant to be broken.

More often than not, these are just not worth the effort, energy, stress, and anxiety over.

There was a beautiful saying that I’ve heard along the lines of letting something and / or someone you love go, and if it and / or he / she comes back, it’s yours.

I’d like to add another aspect towards that and to tell you today to let whatever it is – be it a hobby, relationship, friendship, or even a houseplant – go along its natural course (with appropriate work inject towards it) instead of purposefully and painfully keeping it on life support.

The good ones are not supposed to inflict extreme pain and sacrifice. We tend to forget that and romanticize suffering so that we get our “happily ever afters”.

Who’s to say what true happiness is?

We all possess our unique yet somewhat overlapping definition of happy. It’s ludicrous to even think of putting it within a conventional mold.

So without further ado, here’s a humble “thank you” for all the parts of me that lived and are now deceased. These are the pieces that I’ve managed to shed and cut off – perhaps not cleanly for some, but they’re left behinds now.

Here’s to every bit of me that I’ve managed to throw away, and to every chunk that I’ve departed from: perhaps I’ll come back again when I’m ready and with an renewed mindset, or perhaps this was a phase or a pit stop that I will never revisit. Either way, I’m pretty sure I’ll fare quite well.

Only certain deaths and endings can lead to unexpected lives and beginnings – and so I’ll remember about the fragments that I’ve lost and surrendered, but not to look back with extreme sorrow or remorse, but to remind myself to step back and not commit and accidentally step into identical mistakes.

I’ve died – many, many times, and at the beginning it was because of the same faults and errors. My demises nowadays are usually handled and faced for the first time. There’s always some sort of distress and pain, but I’m factually aware that I’m prepared for resuscitation.

2 thoughts on “Past & Present / The Dead Parts of Me.

Leave a Reply